A lot of partners I sit with in counseling come looking for something to make the emotional storms feel less frightening. They’re not after perfection—they just want to stop feeling like every small thing could tip the whole relationship over the edge. When reactivity flares up quickly and intensely, it can leave one person constantly bracing, wondering if they caused it or how to prevent the next wave. There isn’t a single “magic fix” for these moments—no secret phrase or perfect response that guarantees calm forever. But there is one perspective that, in my experience, goes a very long way toward easing the strain and opening space for more steadiness.
A Helpful Way to See It
Shortly after I started working more deeply with couples facing these dynamics, I began to notice how much relief comes when a partner can reframe the intense reactions not as personal attacks or willful choices, but as something more like a chronic, invisible burden—much the way a physical sensitivity (say, migraines or a nervous system that overreacts to stress) might make someone snap or withdraw when the pain hits hard. The flare-up isn’t really about the other person; it’s the overwhelm speaking.
This isn’t about excusing hurtful words or actions—boundaries still matter deeply—but it does help shift the inner question from “Why are they doing this to me?” to “They must really be hurting right now.” That small turn often softens resentment and makes room for responses that de-escalate rather than add fuel. I encourage spouses to use whatever metaphor works for them—maybe it’s a sudden storm that passes, or a muscle spasm that flares without warning. No matter how you see it, it’s important to realize that it’s a wave that will swell, crest, crash and then pass. The goal is simply to humanize the struggle while still honoring their own hurt and limits.
Practical Steps That Help Hold the Balance
If I had to name a handful of things I’ve seen make the biggest difference for partners in these situations, they would center on staying grounded yourself while offering steady, non-reactive care. Here are a few that keep coming up.
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Validate and Give Space When the intensity rises, the natural urge is to explain, defend, or fix. But often the most helpful first move is simple acknowledgment: “This seems really overwhelming right now.” No agreement required—just recognition of the pain. Then suggest a gentle pause: “Let’s take a few minutes to breathe and come back to this.” It’s like stepping back from a sore spot instead of pressing on it. Space usually lets the wave crest and begin to settle.
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Try the S.E.T. Approach One tool that many partners find useful during charged moments comes from I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus. It’s called S.E.T.—Support, Empathy, Truth—and it helps keep communication clear without escalating or withdrawing.
- Support: Start with a personal “I” statement of care – “I’m committed to working through this with you because you matter to me.”
- Empathy: Name the emotion you see – “You must be feeling really scared/angry/hurt.”
- Truth: Gently state the reality or boundary – “I can’t stay in the room if there is going to be name-calling (or threats / yelling / etc.).”
The combination reassures while staying honest. It’s not about agreeing with every feeling, but about making sure the person knows they’re seen and cared for—even as limits are held.
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Keep a Quiet Record A simple private journal can reveal patterns over time. Note what happened before a flare-up, what followed, and how you responded—no blame, just observation. Fatigue, certain topics, or end-of-day stress often show up repeatedly. Seeing the pattern helps take it less personally and plan small adjustments (like quieter evenings).
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Set Gentle, Firm Boundaries Decide ahead of time what you can and can’t sustain—“I’ll step away if voices rise until we can speak respectfully”—and follow through calmly. This isn’t punishment; it’s protecting the relationship from cycles that wear everyone down.
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Practice Quiet Acceptance Some things can’t be controlled—the emotional waves will come. An internal reminder like “This is the struggle rising; I don’t have to carry it all” paired with slow breathing can keep you steady. Radical acceptance isn’t resignation; it frees energy to respond thoughtfully instead of reactively.
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Protect Your Own Care You can’t pour from an empty cup. Daily time for a walk, a hobby, or talking with a friend keeps resentment from building. Support groups for partners in similar spots can also remind you that you’re not alone.
A Picture of Balance
Imagine you’re both standing on a narrow log over a deep chasm, holding hands. You want to keep yourself safe, but you also want your partner to stay steady. Pull too hard one way, and you risk tipping both of you. Push past what the other can hold, and the same thing happens. Yet as each person learns to balance their own weight, they become better able to steady the other. Together, the footing feels surer than it ever could alone.
Of course, if needs go unmet for too long, or if there’s ongoing harm (abuse, neglect, or patterns that feel unsafe), leaning in fully isn’t wise until those things are addressed. That’s often where counseling steps in—to help restore safety so balance becomes possible again.
Partners who keep showing up to understand and respond thoughtfully are doing some of the most important work there is. It’s not easy, but it matters. If the weight feels too heavy, reaching out to a counselor isn’t giving up—it’s choosing to steady the log together.
Andy Brown is a professional counselor who specializes in marriage, sexuality and young adult issues. He and his wife, Caitlin, have been married since 2004 and have three lovely children. Andy enjoys swimming, coffee, kayaking, snowboarding and Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.
